Siguro nga may sayad na ko.
I was scampering through my old papers the other day habang inaayos ang kwarto kong sinalasa ni Reming.
Mahilig akong magtabi ng scratch papers, where memories of my summer are written down. (I just started 2002, ang taong babalik-balikan ko habambuhay. Naks.) may mga kakulitan lang naming mag-utol, half-finished poems, almost-finished tabs and guitar riffs, song lyrics and titles, sketches, at iba pang kababalaghan--- things you woulnd’t know I do and keep.
Natagpuan kong nakaipit sa lesson plan ko nung 4th year high school (as a religion teacher sa isang public school) ang napakaraming papel na di ko maintindihan ang sulat. May date. Tapos paulit-ulit lang ang mga katagang: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” Ah, syet, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Naalala ko na. Nagsanay nga pala akong sumulat sa kaliwa kong kamay last summer. At sineryoso ko talaga, in fairness. Wala lang. I just wanted to see what’ll happen if I’ll utilize my right brain the same way as my left. Ok. In short, boring na ang pagiging kananete. Yun lang.
Within 2 months, I was able to write faster over time with my left hand. But unconsciously, I used my left hand automatically sa mga bagay na kanan ang karaniwang gumagawa. Pag bukas ng pinto, kaliwa. Pag walis ko, kaliwa. Pag balat ng gulay, kaliwa. Pero ok lang. cool nga eh. Pero malamang may epekto yan sa utak. At ngayon lang siya nagmamanifest.
My summer 2006 was a tough stage. Dun ko natutunang subukin ang mga bagay na hindi ko pa nagawa. At dun ko rin natutunang maging masaya sa kabila ng lahat, exactly at the dawn of Easter Sunday, after writing my “Black Saturday Essay.” It’s a very free feeling, the moment you tell yourself, “tama na,” and just lift everything to God. Or so I thought.
Ngayong nag-uumpisa na ang summer 2007 (or so I thought uleht), parang umuulit lang yung ibang pangyayari, at yung mga bagay na naramdaman ko dati, feelings I thought I overcame.
Kinulayan ko ulit ng itim ang pinky fingernail ko. I can’t really seem to find the perfect explanation why. Nung una nakita ko lang yun kay Marc Abaya e. Pero whenever I look at her (yung pinky fingernail. Matriarchal e, hehe), she looks underestimated among the five. Small and frail, fragile ang weak. Pero nagkaroon siya ng sariling tapang nung kinulayan ko siya. In her own way, she became so vigilant though still suppressed. Mukha talaga siyang jologs kung tutuusin, pero who the hell cares?
It actually took me a lot of guts bago magawa yun. you see, I was raised in a conservative family were make-up ang nail polish raise eyebrows--- lalo na kung pointless. But it was both weird and nice that my dad was able to get it halfway, at least.
Sa pagbabalik ni Itim sa buhay ko ngayon di ko maintindihan totally kung anong pwedeng mangyari. I feel so vigilant again, about the things na matagal na nating dapat ginawa. Nagsayang ako ng tatlong taon. Pero di ko na hahayaang madagdagan pa yun. Thanks to that one person who inspires me to do these things again. You’ll never know how much an impact you’ve been doing sa buhay ko ngayon, kahit di tayo close. Pinapaniwala mo’ko ulit na matapang ako, at may kaya pa tayong gawin para isalba ang sistema.
Di ko maintindihan minsan why you can’t get mad sa napakarami kong baluktot na katwiran at pagmamatigas pag nag-uusap tayo. Is it because I’m older (or so you think)? Or you simply refuse to take me seriously when I ask you na sermonan mo’ko? Ewan ko sa’yo. Ang labo mo.
Multiple personality disorder. Iba-iba ang ugali ko sa bawat hinihingi ng pagkakataon. Minsan depende yan sa tirik ng araw o buwan e. Pero mas madalas, depende yan sa kung anong klaseng tao ka. Sinasalamin lang kita. Tandaan mo yan.
Today, I’m hating. Just when I told myself I’d stop hating as a New Year’s Resolution. And I’m hating the very same person who I thought I owe something just last year, when we “lifted everything.” Hindi pala. I owe it solely to the wind. I was alone all this time. And it’s so embarrassing to realize that I was just forcing myself to other people’s lives. Hindi ko sinasadya… hindi ko sinasadya… babalik na lang muna ako sa pag-iisa…kasama si Itim…
No comments:
Post a Comment