NO MORE HATE BLOGS. MATANDA NA TAYO.

For several weeks I’ve been researching and gathering arguments for my next article on my fave topic: lawyers and how they came from hell and back. I already thought of the perfect intro, chose the best lay-out, and found the facts that would send their a**es steaming in mid-air. But when I started writing, I found myself writing this instead; and I’m not wondering anymore --- because lately, I’m getting tired of hating already.

My class notebook is simply my best outlet in terms of art, and a statement of who I am. Unlike most students who choose their notebook design from the wide range that National Bookstore offers, I pick out my own and reinvent my old binder with recycled materials. Every start of the semester, I make sure I come up with the neatest blueprint which best suits my mood. I cut clippings, nice and striking words, pictures, and other stuff from newspapers and magazines, and lay them out meticulously on the four sides of the binder. And by the way, I got that binder free from a Rob department store during my first year in college, and I promised myself I’d use it until I graduate. So literally the only expense I make is for the new leaves for my notes, which cost me only about P70 per sem (colored dividers included). Really cool.

When I was in first year I remember my cover was from the DSWD advertisement in the Philippine Daily Inquirer. The picture depicted about 4 or 5 rectangular closed fists in different heights reaching upwards in a plain background. There was nothing but black and red behind the words: ANG SAGOT SA KAHIRAPAN AY REBOLUSYON, with every word about half an inch in size. The catch is that below are the smaller letters which spelled, SA PAG-IISIP AT PAMAMARAAN. That was nice, really. Inside, I cut out and pasted my brothers’ old blueprints from his engineering classes back in college. I wrote some Sanskrit characters on the small envelope for papers, and there you have it.

On my second year I cut stuff from EDSA Revolution’s memorabilia, like sepia pictures of Doy Laurel and Ninoy Aquino and his funeral.

On my third year I wanted to have it all white. I covered the whole thing with an inverted poster of Britney Spears (free from Pepsi) so one can see only the white part. Then at the bottom rightmost corner I simply put a small black and white version of Rock Ed’s poster on their MRT gig series for Human Rights Day with a picture of one of my favorite contemporary Filipino writers, Lourd de Veyra of Radioactive Sago Project (RASP). I filled the other sides with small Rock Ed stickers. Inside, I printed the lyrics of RASP’s “Alaala ni Batman,” divided it to the number of subjects, and pasted them on every divider. Each course code, I wrote in Braille. Of course it was not embossed.

Just last sem I asked from my dad if I can have the envelope from one of the letters UNICEF sends him annually. It looked really gruesome. Printed on its dirty brown paper were the scripted words, WILL YOU BE ABLE TO SLEEP ON THIS SHEET OF PAPER? Funny how people reacted whenever they read that: Si Ayn, nangongonsiyensiya. Good they know. Haha. Inside I cut and pasted the black and white pictures of the street children and UNICEF’s contact numbers, which were all enclosed in the same letter. At the back part I placed the back part of my brother’s Smashing Pumpkins’ Rotten Apples album. No pictures on dividers, this time; and no foreign language, too.

But this sem was the funniest of them all. It was already Monday and I still haven’t though of the design (I usually do it a week before classes start). At first I decided I’d retain the konsiyensiya factor for the cover part, and the album cover at the back. But something in me was strongly telling and actually yelling at me to just forget about the first sem and move on to my last. I usually state my angst on my notebook, if you might have pictured, but angst this time was of no issue anymore. It was very symbolic. As I was tearing everything from front to back, I was slowly relieved, as if I was letting go of something I have been heavily burdening myself with lately.

Knowing that I actually had no recycled materials left anymore, I rummaged desperately through my old things. I had no choice. I don’t want to go to class without a notebook, or with a temporary one. As much as I wanted to keep my Weekly Asian Wall Street Journals in file, they were the only materials I have left. And so without a doubt I cut whatever interesting words and figures I could. I covered the whole binder with white once more (this time inverted posters from Bench with artistas. Haha), and pasted all the stuff. So the theme for this last sem was simply Wall Street. The big words (about 1”X1” each letter) RUN THIS WAY became my cover headline gotten from a fitness article. With it were two solved crossword puzzles, whose answers were of the previous week’s, an a long sentence written in really small letters: KNOWLEDGE IS VITAL, BUT UNDERSTANDING HELPS YOU PERFORM MUCH BETTER, from WSJ’s ad.

Inside, I placed a black and white picture of a poignant scene with two persons in a serene place. Above where the words: WHERE EMBRACES LINGER A LITTLE LONGER, from an ad of a resort in Malaysia. Below is written: IT’S LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN AWAY FROM HOME, BECAUSE LIFE IS ABOUT LIVING, from a condo ad.

At the back part I pasted an unsolved crossword puzzle, without the questions--- just the boxes. The back cover includes the question: WILL YOUR INVENTION NAVIGATE THE FUTURE? from the ad of Asia Innovation Awards 2007. Below it is a black and white picture of the first compass, invented by a Chinese. Beside it I halved and placed the words SUNGLASSES DO MORE THAT CUT THE GLARE on both sides, from a sunglass feature article; and below, it’s stated: BE ANYTHING BUT OBVIOUS, from a Tudor watch ad.

For the dividers I placed two liquor recipes, mojito, a Hawaiian mint liquor with the big words MINT CONDITION… DON’T CRUSH THE STEMS, and whisky with HONEY AND SPICE (and I don’t even drink. Weird.); park maps of Shanghai and Bangkok; food pictures from the fastest eating Japanese guy who ate hundreds of hotdogs in 5 minutes with the words FAST FOOD; and the Malaysian mountaineer’s picture with the words THE LONGEST CLIMB.

Individually they were all meaningless. Gotten from mere ads and feature articles, they were all but lame on their own. But it was the neatest I ever made, and I didn’t mind staying up to 1:30 am before my first class at starts at 9am the following day. For me every word meant something, something I can’t probably explain, and something which offered me inner peace. For me every word is a poem in itself, a statement. Actually when Maika saw it, she laughed and asked me if it was me, since it was very POSITIVE.

Positive. For years I’ve been living in angst and all frustrations, particularly with the way our country’s system is being run by hoodlums. But lately I just got tired of doing it. I watched the 6:30 news the other day and I just wanted to vomit. I read the same headlines on the newspaper yet somehow it doesn’t anger me much like before. Does it come with age? I’m 20 and maybe I’m done with that stage. Maybe it’s time I concentrate on doing what I individually can do. My past writings were so much full of hatred; but when I look at it closely, all I do is arouse people with more anger. I expose the bad things they ought to know about the government, but don’t offer alternatives.

It’s tiresome. Being bitter and frustrated would lead you nowhere. It’s time we think positive, seriously--- because it’s always easier said than done. Wag na lang natin patulan. Indifference can work with these kinds of things. But please don’t get me wrong.

It’s really weird how I can stay calm despite the tension I’m feeling lately. Just yesterday the Registry of Deeds was asking P1000 bribe money from us to hasten the transfer of lands. That’s relatively small, but no thanks. I’d rather wait for 5 more days than burn my soul in hell for 5000 years.

Start with small things. As for me I use less curse words (although I used *ss and hell again here). I listen less of rock music. Poetic lyrics, yes, but sometimes words are just too much. I give myself a dose of The Master’s Touch DZFE 98.7 every morning. They play classical music, the likes of Chopin, Mozart, and Beethoven. And listen to Dr. Salem’s 5-minute talk on the Word of God around 7:25 in the morning. You surely would get yourself nodding in agreement, and feel lighter before you leave home. I still watch the 6:30 news. Exhaustion on political issues and people will never be an excuse for me to not know what’s been happening. After all, it’s my country--- and I will never permit them to manipulate everything inside it. But once you start feeling really bad, switch to other channels. I advise you go to QTV 11’s The Sweet Life with Lucy Torres-Gomez. They talk about nice topics and contain no nonsense. But be sure to switch back to the news. Sabi nga ni Baz Luhrmann, LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY ONCE, BUT LEAVE BEFORE IT MAKES YOU HARD. LIVE IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA ONCE, BUT LEAVE BEFORE IT MAKES YOU SO SOFT. It’s just always about compromise.

This has been my longest entry ever. I just hope and pray you stay positive. Good day. #

WITH THE BIRDS I’LL SHARE THIS LONELY VIEW

I just updated the “About Me” section on my Friendster page. And by the way it sounded, I figured I’m in the perfect mood to write something I can not consider senseless this time.

I’ve been feeling weird the whole day. Besides the drowsiness form the colds I caught last night that made me sleep longer and more frequent than usual, I’m just not in the going to do anything. I’ve been amazingly learning four songs in a row on guitar since last night. After months in idle state, my left hand just didn’t need any warm up to pick up on the Eraserheads-Jeff Buckley-and-Blur marathon. And now I can’t move my fingers after madly pressing on the fret bars the whole day. But of course that’s another of my freaking exaggerations.

Anyways, going back, I unusually did not give meaning to that. I just know I want to play, that’s it. No more analysis whatsoever. I’M TIRED of thinking. That’s the keyword for you on this one. Just minutes ago I sent Maika an acute SMS. Last night we were on YM and the Happy her asked the Floating me how I was doing (as if we haven’t met that morning). Told her I was tired and scared of I-don’t-know-what. Of life? Not sure. I was just bothered last night that in day’s time I’d be turning 20; and 20 means a faster pace for people. Within minutes a decade has passed once more. Another hour, we’d be at retiring age. And add to that the crime of Tere’s inquisition on what I want to do after graduation. Well I told her I wanna be employed first, probably in a multinational firm or a big publication company, a thing I actually would want to put up. Told her I also want to build a school, study agriculture, and build farms. Not to mention owning a Volks, an American-designed house in the city, having a husband and a couple of kids perhaps. But thinking about that just gave me more pressure and stress, because I wanted all that before I turn 30. That’s why I relived my dream of wanting to die young, really young. At age 28? Nah, too old. Maybe 24. But that’s another story altogether. Anyways, I told Maika in my SMS that I realized I wasn’t tired of life all these time. I’m just tired of S.J.E. and she told me we’d talk.

Then it came rushing to my mind the feeling I had while sitting down on the sands of the Batangas shore one night during our TBS. It was the first of 2 nights, and everybody was busy preparing for the first bonfire session that ever pushed through in our 3 years of holding out-of-town team building seminars in the Entrep circle (God be thanked for the really good weather). But I, I was slumped on one part of the shore where the rays of the blinding spotlight facing the waters couldn’t extend its arms to illuminate the minute rocks under my feet. And as I felt the gust of the cold wind running through my hair and bringing chills to me, I unknowingly set my eyes upon the midnight-colored waters. Amidst the big and wounding rocks some five meters away from shore, only the small lights of houses from afar can be seen, together with the blinking light from the sole lighthouse pointing directly from where I was sitting. And suddenly, all I can hear was the surge of the saltwater… against the rocks, against each other, slowly yet madly throwing its effervescent waves onto shore, bringing the small rocks and sand particles to full UNREST. Unrest was how I exactly felt at that point in time. Things that semester came flashing back at me, with no certain reason at all. And as if it weren’t enough, I found myself in another seasonal depression attack. And I thought, all the while I’ve been heavily busy.

I must guiltily admit I was caught in total shock after I realized how life would be for me being an officer in the Society of Junior Entrepreneurs, months after the traumatic elections. I’m not used to being in the limelight. All my life I’ve been a happy-go-lucky underdog who just gets by because of some ‘extra effort.’ But never did I think that I’d be standing up there, telling people to do this and that. I never thought that I would have to solve their problems and speak for them. God knows that I am not a leader, and I know for a fact how lame I am in doing so.

But things change. I know I something out of all these wary and exhausting experiences. I did so many first-times. I saw how the outside world actually looks like. Some are frustrating, but I just rid on. Because I loved the feeling. And I know I already made that one choice.

But one thing that slipped my mind was the fact that making choices doesn’t come absolutely free. You have to pay a certain amount of currency, a currency whose value no bank can ever estimate.

As I sat there with myself and the starless sky, it sank into me that I was indeed alone. And I figured everything didn’t actually make me ‘happy’ after all. I was grateful that I got all those despite the fact that I never asked for it; but something in me says that the Guy who gave all those to me is the same Guy who was talking to me through the wind at that time.

The first half of my task is done. I got to know the newbies the org, built stronger ties with the juniors, made necessary (and unnecessary) class cuts for seminars, spent sleepless nights over the Student Merit System, and ran surprise errands for Ms. Mona. And now I’m not sure if I can make it to the finish line. It’s a reset for all of us now, and the only consolation I can think of is that by December, we would have to look for new candidates for the next batch of officers. But still we do the job. And the only thing that keeps me holding on is the memory of Ate Elaine (former SJE president) telling me to NEVER EVER GET TIRED.

Yet that’s still too far. Because right now, the only vivid feeling I have is that I MISS MY BLOCKMATES so much. When I chose to step up and do the job for 200 people, I didn’t exactly expect to lose 24. Now they seem so far away. The whole TBS experience was a f*cking proof. Tere’s right. There comes a point when you will want quality time with the people near you. I’m not getting any younger. And I know I’ve only got barely four months to make up to the 24 people I’m not even sure if I can still see after college. SJE or BSE-1? Man is it so hard. It’s like making me choose between my country and my family. Certainly I have to compromise. But do I really have to choose? Part in me constantly reminds the words “letting go.” Part in me says “move on.” But this is me. And all I know is that in these cases, the only way I deal with it is to “get by.” Meanwhile, all I can do is, with the birds, share this lonely view. #

TANGING KAY PACMAN LANG… BA?

It is not an unusual scene to see Pajeros and other luxury cars carrying local legislators and other top officials being ushered by Presidential Security Guards into the Malacanang Palace. But just recently, specifically last Thursday, October 11, everybody made a big fuss out of the long queue of special-plated sedans entering the Mendiola area. The affair? A “breakfast” and some “inauguration.” Well and fine.

But days after, one by one, some of the officials admitted having accepted some kind of “gift” upon attending the breakfast on Thursday morning. The gift? Cash inside envelopes and brown bags. Cold cash reports say amounted to around P200,000-500,000. Newly-elected Pampanga Governor and former priest Ed Panlilio admitted on Sunday he indeed accepted P500K “in good faith” from some Malacanang lady they didn’t even bothered to get the name, with unknown reasons. It was followed by Bulacan Rep. Mendoza, then by PGMA’s close ally Manila Rep. Abante. On Monday morning, the CBCP lauded Honest Ed (Panlilio) and urged the others who joined the breakfast to do the same, as part of the call to end corruption and the cleansing of the government.

There were 148 congressmen who were present. 91 governors. 4 mayors. The long list of those who confessed goes on. But the list of those who deny seems to go longer. They said they never were given cash. They even said they never saw bags or envelopes being handed. And they said that if ever they were given, they would have readily accepted it. Reliable sources put the value of cash distributed to be at P120M.

Ok, now. Where did all these hullabaloo come from, and why make a big fuss out of it? In an exclusive interview with GMA News last Thursday, Rep. Abante said that these distributions are actually a normal part of Palace transactions, but not as “bribes” as most people take it. He said they (officials) normally accept cash as Christmas gifts (Gov. Grace Padaca also admitted accepting Christmas cards with P50,000 cash last year from Pres. Arroyo), and concluded that what he received last Thursday was actually additional support money for the upcoming Barangay and SK elections on October 29. He clearly denied that it was “bribe” money for them to trash the impeachment complaint against PGMA. And he was firm on his stand that the people are actually just exaggerating on interconnecting the numerous scandals that has transpired over the past weeks: the upcoming elections, the ZTE NBN deal, the resignation of Abalos as COMELEC Chair, the strained relationship between the President and the Speaker of the House JDV, and the impeachment complaint filed by Her Excellency’s “best friends.”

But looking at this closely might make one give it a second thought. If the money were intended for additional support for the upcoming B&SK elections, why “did not” the other governors and representatives receive their share? Isn’t that quite unfair?

Moreover, Malacanang says that every cent spent on any project is to be recorded on the audit books, and money received must obviously be paired with an official receipt. First question: did the money come from public treasury or from private wealth? And, regardless where it came from, if they say that it is an official transaction, why not issue a receipt? Funny thing is, the audit guy wasn’t even present at the breakfast. (One official who refused to be named said the breakfast was indeed about the impeachment complaint, and at the end of the talks, they mustered that this only hinders the public interest and decided to support the administration to trash it)

All these would indeed generate more speculations in the following days to come; and worse, a very bad headache to the public. Issues branch crazily from nowhere. When you read the headlines, there is clamor for Honest Ed to return the money. And Philippine Daily Inquirer’s Editorial last Wednesday was even about the dilemma of Governor Panlilio on his stand as a former pastor and a new politician. Other news tell us about JDV III’s statement that PGMA and her administration would not change, followed by his very flowery speech on his “advocacy” to fight corruption in the land, with Sen. Nene Pimentel.

Come to think of it, it all started when this guy from Amsterdam Holdings Inc. tried to tell the world how one, COMELEC Chair Benjamin Abalos got involved in the $329M contract with ZTE, and two, First Gentleman Mike Arroyo told him to “Back off.” And the rest, as they say, is history. We have Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago ending up giving a public apology to Chinese people after saying that “Chinese are the inventor of corruption in the world” in one of the hearings of the Blue Ribbon Committee. We also have NEDA Chair Romulo Neri suffering from “gastrointestinal diseases” and not making it to Senate hearing after fingers were pointed at him for signing the entry of the contract into Philippine premises.

The news progresses, more info coming out, more evidences rushing in, and more issues keep branching. The Senate investigates. The Senate investigates. The Senate investigates. The Senate investigates. Ok, that’s just my figurative exaggeration that the SENATE JUST INVESTIGATES; yet nothing happens. And it seems like they’re just on one live sitcom every time they do that. And see who assert themselves lately to the limelight. Senator Mar Roxas. Senator XXX. Senator XXX. Presidential race, anyone? You only have three more years to go. But wait. Where on earth are the people who must be held accountable for all these? Senator Allan Cayetano, Chair of the Blue Ribbon Committee? And of course our beloved PGMA, we demand an explanation. Don’t tell me the next thing you’re going to do is appear on national TV ONCE MORE with a very pathetic look (ahem, directed by Lupita Kashiwahara) telling us, “I’m sorry.” Or perhaps a Marcos declaring Presidential Decree 1081 in mid-air? Nope, no thanks.

But I think the more important issue here is that the people are already tired of you, Misters and Madams in your very beautiful offices. Well I’m not generalizing here, you know. But more or less 90% of you. Watchdogs and people making themselves aware of the issue is good news to me already. But of course, it will never be enough. Sad to say, I see Philippine politics as the new showbiz. Issues like this become the talk of the town today. It spreads through tongues like wildfire, but the next thing you know, it has long died out naturally, without even a single firefighter’s effort. Sometimes with all these f*cking politicians I can’t help but think of the meanest way I can do to kill them altogether in one air strike. Yes, a single blow to cleanse them all, because it will tire the hell out of me if I do it one by one. But that would make a total hypocrite out of me. Even if I have the power to do so, never in my dreams would I do something that you’ve always done.

Intelligence reports say the AFP is doing its very best to remain neutral regarding the very alarming situation. And why? Because once even one guy falters, a civil war might be on the rise. And it’s not far from happening because it once should’ve transpired way back 1986 when Lt. Tadiar faced the thousands of people holding food and flowers with the threat of tanks bombing them anytime on his command during the world-renowned EDSA Revolution.

EDSA Revolution. The day people clamored for Marcos to flee the country. EDSA Dos. The day people clamored for Erap to resign. The day VPGMA was sworn to power. Just yesterday, people were clamoring along the streets in Makati calling for Arroyo’s resignation. Honestly I don’t want another EDSA. And oh God, who would be President if she resigns? VP Noli de Castro? I don’t want another Erap. Who does?

Come to think of it, it’s not only I who think this way. I’m pretty certain there are millions of me at this point in time. But if so, why can’t we walk in a single manner towards a single direction? Is our unity only limited to when Pacman has a very big main event in Las Vegas? #

SHOULD'VE DONE THIS WAY BACK 1987

i can't exactly remember when i put up this blog but i somehow think it has already been a year or so. my first aim here was to post my poems and other essays because i lose them when i save them on the hard disk. but i eventually learned to BLOG like other people on this planet. i blogged because i feel happy, feel bad, or even just feel like writing. and it was just like an hour ago when i decided that i can actually use this page for my own Opinion section, being a frustrated newspaper columnist. hehe.

that was half a joke. no really. it seems somehow pointless writing my personal moments here when not everyone can relate. and so i decided to make this an online editorial. not only will you be updated with the latest news in the country, but also with the opinion of the best analysts of the land. naks. whatever.

just wanted to live up to my childhood dream. still, it's personal. how ironic. guess blogs will always be geared towards the 'self'. *sigh*

I BROUGHT HOME A SPRAINED ANKLE AND SOME BAD FEELINGS

just got over with my last Team Buliding Seminar. was out of town for 3 days. 20 unread messages. 1 member waiting for approval. 1 friend accepted invite. but i feel no relief from all what's left.

before i left manila i told maika to bring everything to batangas, including all pressures and problems. then we'll leave them off shore, make them float to the next curve of the earth. but all the while was i so busy that i realized i havent't even moved things much from my baggage. all i did was walk, think, run, worry.

it was my last entrep TBS. but it was the first time i felt that something was lacking. it was my first time to be part of the organizers, and ate elaine was right. i really had to be ready. and i wasn't. i tired myself out trying to make it as organized as possible, but at the end of the day, i felt like a total loser.

around 8:30 pm the second day my co-officers and i prepared for dinner and the awards night. i was feeling really well after the games. i even managed to do some kayaking with tere around 5:15. but after dinner that night, something just happened, as if some curse was break lose or whatever. after finishing our food and decided to get started on the program, i stood up from my seat. and i can't do it. at first i thought it was just plain "ngalay" as they call it, paired with a sprained left ankle that morning. but after walking 15 meters going to the bonfire area, i felt like i was going to collapse. the next thing i know, i was telling tonet to call it off for me to take part in the hosting job. i stayed in one place with the sophomores. (i was hearing all their comments without them knowing it. hehe.)

that was just the tip of the iceberg. after the program, it's party time. my blockmates stayed in one room to drink a little and just be merry. i went up my room upstairs in the loft. sam and lola followed. i thought i was ok and just needed rest. but after 20 minutes, the pain in my legs just got more and more unbearable. exagerrated as it may seem, it was plain torture. i had to cry it out. upon hearing me groan in pain, sam summoned me to pray. i was crying even harder. i told her i'd follow them downstairs. she left.

she came back after 5 minutes and i told her i think i can make it already. but suddenly tonet and aiza went in from the other party room, and they saw my eyes fresh from tears. they were apologizing for not being able to accompany me, but i said "no, i'm perfectly fine. i'm just going to sleep at sam's." but when i went outside, i realized that my legs are really failing me. and i cried more. they ushered me back inside the ground level of our room and did some medication. vicks and holy water. perfect combination. and who did it? four people i didn't even expect would help me. they're not even my blockmates.

it was a terrible feeling that i wasn't able to join my blockmates while they were having fun. but it was just now that i realized that i feel more terrible because only sam was there for me till i lost consciousness. yeah, dramatic. i don't want to admit it but it bothered me really.

to tonet, ika, and aiza and tere. thanks a lot for that night. i know you were all busy drinking before you came in. but if there would be one unforgettable scene that TBS, it would be that Tuesday night before i passed out.

do i feel bad? not certain. everybody does, every now and then. they told me everything was caught on cam. but i don't think i would even give a damn. i'm sorry. it might take some time. perhaps longer than it will take for my legs to totally be in good condition. should i wait? still not certain. maybe i was pushing myself in. maybe i don't really belong after all. #

PAGLILINAW: BAKIT DI AKO PUMASOK NUNG ARAW NA YUN.

ngayung araw na 'toh ay araw ng Eid
at kaisa ng mga kapatid nating Muslim
nagdiriwang din ako
sa isang life-changing rehab.

epektib naman pala e.
kailangan mo lang mauntog.
gets ko na si Mark Anthony Fernandez
kung bakit pabalik-balik siya sa loob.

pero i'm sorry.
kasi whoever-the-devil-you-are
di nako uulit
di nako uulit

... ayus na intro. 3rd of my nonsensical and trying hard verse. dibale, Reader. maglalabas ako ng book of nonsense maybe months from now after i've undergone total rehab. mahirap naman sumulat pag bangag, right?

... ok dahil wala akong masulat, freestyle ulit. kala mo tatapusin ko na, noh, Reader? no way. you have to feel the agony of reading this freaking page dahil andito ka na rin lang naman. pero actually, may choice ka. kaya GO, if you have to.

... well you chose to stay. and i must not congratulate you for that kasi swear ang malas mo. kasi unlike any other blogs you read, mahaba itong mga entry ko. kasi nga, i never ceased to think. lahat ata ng bagay inisipan ko ng meaning e. kahit simpleng nakakalat na balat ng kendi sa tapat ng gate, nakikitaan ko ng meaning. bakit kaya? aba, tanungin ba ang di naman sasagot. ewan. di naman din ako psychologist. or should i say psychiatrist?

... alam mo Reader andami ko iniisip kaninang isulat dito pero ngayong kaharap ko na itong screen e parang naglaho lahat. hmmm.. recall, recall... tsk tsk tsk. sayang, ayus pa naman sana pang-asar. next time nga magdadala nako ng recorder anywhere para tiyak na di lilipad.

... pero aaminin ko, ang pinakamalaking palaisipan sakin nitong huli ay kung bakit araw-araw akong sumusulat dito, at wala namang nagbabasa? hmmm... ibig sabihin, hindi ako sumusulat para mabasa. marahil nga'y gusto ko lang ilabas.

... kaya ilalabas ko na. pero ano nga bang dapat kong ilabas? ok, no poems tonight. pramis. bukas na lang.

... huling tanong. naranasan mo na ba yung once in your life gumawa ka ng alam mong mali pero masaya ka kasi for the first time in your life, nagawa mong gawin yung inaakala ng lahat na di mo kaya? ampangit naman atang sabihing MASAMA, noh. di naman kasamaan yung ginawa ko, in fairness. but adjectives are relative.

... i'm kinda tired of the fact, or i must say the GIVEN FACT na isa akong sobrang matinong tao. because in truth I AM NOT! honestly. at ang mas nakakainis, ang mga stereotypes nila: na ako'y isang mabuting anak, kapatid at estudyante--- estudyanteng matulungin, maunawain, at masipag. to hell with those things. waw naman, sobrang kabaligtaran.

... kaya one rainy wednesday, i found the perfect chance to defy expectations. isa lang kasi subject ko nung araw na yun at 4:30 pa nga hapon. yah, i understand malapit lang ang katipunan sa marikina pero gets?? who the hell would bother wearing the uniform para sa isang subject na 1 and a half hours lang ang itatagal? wala namang importanteng mangyayari, anyways...as always. and as if the whole world conspired pa, walang SJE meeting ng umagang yun. and i found the perfect alibi. My scoliosis kinda attacked that morning. pero arond 1 pm, di naman na sumakit. so at 1pm it was a make or break decision for me. and my decision? I texted Sam and Maika: ei, masakit likod ko, can't come to business law class mamaya, di talaga ako makatayo. YOWN. with matching sad face pa yan. amp*tah. well to cut the long story short, ayun. inakala ng lahat na may sakit talaga ko. it was a clear case of fraud and malingering. hahaha. when in fact, the primary reason is, TINAMAD LANG PO TALAGA AKO. first time yun. dati kasi kahit bumabagyo at isa lang subject ko, ge, pasok lang nang pasok. but this time, i just felt like doing it. e sorry, mukhang mabait sakin ang mga pangyayari. but here's the catch. akala ko andami tatamarin. but it turned out na AKO LANG DAW ANG HINDI PUMASOK. nice one. talaga din naman. minsan ka na lang cu-cut nang wala sa lugar, wala ka pang karamay. hahaha.

... pero in fairness, dami ko napatunayan. una, na hindi ako ang iniisip nilang napakatinong estudyante. pangalawa, nakaka-guilty rin pala. it took me 3 days bago umamin kina sam at maika. and a month to everybody! hahaha. and third, na ipinagpalit ko ang pagsusulat sa simpleng academics. yup, the secondary reason bakit di ako pumasok is that i crammed my entry sa isang essay writing contest na the following day na ang pasahan. ewan ko. it was my last chance. but eventually wala ring nangyari. OK lang. at least masaya. it was an experience. AND I WILL NOT GUARANTEE YOU NA DI KO NA UULITIN YUN. evil me.

... ge na, tatapusin ko na 'toh. wawa naman mga pagal mong mata. haha. balik ka, a?

.. Thanks, Reader. :D

:D

KUNG IPAGPAPALIT MO, IPAGPALIT MO NA. NOW NA.

una muna sa lahat, humihingi ako ng tawad sa pagiging pasaway ko. believe it or not, i took my Drug again last night. kala ko i already got over. pero mehn, mas matindi ang bulong ng kasamaan. hahaha. pero pramis talaga this time, never again... siguro gusto ko lang ng closure (ala-Snooky Serna lang). naisip ko ring ang hirap nun i-afford. malayo ang source. mahal. hahaha. at swear, wala na ulit ako ka-aadikan kundi Ikaw. gudlak naman sa akin...

kawawa ka naman, Reader, di mo ko ma-dig. pero i'm sure nakaka-relate ka kahit papaano. am i right? i know i am. may Bisyo ka rin. na alam mong dapat matagal mo nang pinagpalit sa mas makabubuti. pero you tolerate it kasi dun, masaya ka. dun, feeling mo very liberated ka. feeling mo malaya ka, at nabibilang sa isang mundong hindi kinabibilangan ng mga tao at bagay na di mo ginusto. it's like waking up at REM in the middle of a beautiful dream. pero dream pa rin. at paggising mo, wala na yun. or should i say, WALA NAMAN PALA TALAGA YUN. it never was.

kaya habang maaga, magdesisyon ka na. kung kailangan mo ipagpalit, ipagpalit mo na. and do it fast habang alam mong di ka pa masyado masasaktan sa oras na gawin mo yan.

madali lang naman e. it's all in the mind. alam mo bang when it rains it pours? lalo mong isipin, lalong mangyayari. i've proven that many times. kaya yung sinasabi nilang TADHANA? that sucks.WE WANT IT TO HAPPEN KAYA NANGYAYARI. weird, pero isa lang ibig sabihin. Ganyan ka lang kamahal ng Diyos. pinagbibigyan ka niya kahit sa mga simpleng mga kababawan mo. kaya pag-isipan mo. time to give it back. tantanan mo na ang mga dapat tantanan.

till next time, Reader. :D

:D

Trust me on this one.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99
"Wear sunscreen"

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, "sunscreen" would be it.

The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.I will dispense this advice NOW!

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind.
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40.

Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.

Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance.
Even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but with a precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get,the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in "New York City" once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in "Northern California" once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise.P oliticians will philander. You, too, will get old.
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Everybody's Free, Everybody's Free To Feel Good!

--- "SUNSCREEN" Song Lyrics by Baz Luhrmahnn, copyright 1999.


:D

ang KORNI pero ang title nito ay LETTING GO.

I was reading a 2006 edition ng reader's digest just last Sunday sa gitna ng napakaraming commercial ng Will to Win ni Barrera vs Pacquiao. The cover story? Princess Diana. Her secret love, marriages, and all. Ang lungkot pala talaga ng life story niya. But my fave part in it was the part wherein she had to auction her gowns for charity work as suggested by Prince William, a first in the royal hierarchy. sabi dun, every morning, she and the editor in chief ng isang exclusive royal magazine had to pick up what to auction. but everytime she remembers in what event she wore one, palagi niyang di nakakayanan ipamigay... but in the end halos wala rin natira sa mga ari-arian niya. and it was, as experts readit, a very brave move for her to forget about the past and move on to a new life.

lahat tayo i believe has a parallel situation. ako, hindi naman ako Lady Di who has a glamorous life and golden properties. na-bad trip lang ako kanina. i wanted to post here the lyrics of Baz Luhrmann's "SUNSCREEN," one of the best song ever written. alam ko na-save ko sa USB ko yun eh. but while i was browsing it, all i can say was, "OH NO. P*TAH." e nasira nga yung drive D namin e, so wala akong back-up. all the while i thought andito yung folder na yun. that folder is MY LIFE. andun lahat ng lyrics ng kantang na-save ko, my essays, poems, and other journals. BAD TRIP TALAGA. pero ndi ako masyado nasaktan. after all, they already served their purpose. sayang, yeah, pero why should i grow bitter pa? e ndi ko na rin naman mare-retrieve no matter how many buckets of tears i shed.

masakit talaga mag-let go. partida di pako nakakaranas mawalan ng TAO sa buhay ko na sobrang kalulupasayan ko. pero parte na yun ng buhay e. feeling ko di naman kamanhiran yung madaliang pagtanggap. it's just my way. ayoko lang kasi mag-dwell. natatakot na ulit ako maging emotional. it's so bothersome. kaya pasensiya na kung feeling mo di kita pinapahalagahan. feeling mo lang yun.

sa dami ng patterns na nakita ko sa buhay, alam ko na palagi ang susunod. but i always have a choice. either magpakatanga ako and repeat my mistake, or do some other thing. we always have a choice. di ako naniniwalang we are made to just live what's given.

kaya eto, i'm moving on. di ko alam if i'd ever be healed with my worst ailment: ang nostalgia. pero alam kong it still helps me get by. my past is just so beautiful para kalimutan. it just keeps me holding on, kahit sa mga bagay na di ko pa nakikita.

till next time, reader.

ayn XD

PAG DI SA'YO, DI SA'YO TALAGA. REALLY??

freestyle ulit...

gusto ko lang humingi ng paumanhin sa dami ng mga taong nasasagasaan ko lately. ang init ng ulo ko... at di ubra ang medication ni rico blanco na "inom tubig, nood ng TV." malalim e. na kahit ako, di ko ma-dig.

ewan ko a, pero sa palagay ko talaga, pag di mo gusto ang isang tao, forever nang hindi... ay mali. minsan pala case to case basis din. pero more often than not, sakin, hindi talaga. parang line graph lang. ewan ko... labo talaga e. maunawain naman akong tao... haha, feeling ba? ewan. siguro ito yung part ng chinese horoscope ko na di ko na mababago kahit kailan. when i say it is, IT HAS TO BE IT. when i say ayoko, ayoko talaga. and it would take you blood and tears para baguhin yun. kahit presidente ka pa ng Pilipinas. o ng Amerika. di ako magpapatinag. pasaway ako e. sa tingin ko isang tao lang magpapabagsak sa'kin. at natitiyak akong di ko pa siya nakakaharap hanggang ngayon.

anu't ano pa man, eto na lang ang tula ko para sa'yo:

PATAWAD

pasensiya na sa'yo,
ikaw na di ko makasundo
pasensiya na sa lahat ng negatibong enerhiyang nasasagap mo
sa tuwing ako'y naririto

pasensiya ka na talaga,
taong di ko kayang maunawa
pasensiya na sa katahimikan at kaingayan ng damdaming di mo mahinuhap
sa tuwing tayo'y nagkakaharap.

Subalit ikaw ay wag mag-alala
dahil ika nga ng bayaning si Ninoy
"Di ka nag-iisa."
marami kayong gusto ko nang ihulog sa Kumunoy.

... what nonsense again.

... by the way... i seem to have been doing good in my rehab from that freaking drug... di pa rin ako nagbabago. madali talaga akong maka-get-over. manhid? nope. just practical. ayoko naman magpakagaga sa isang bagay na di naman ginagaga ang sarili niya para sa'kin, noh. angst na naman. tama na nga...


:D