just got over with my last Team Buliding Seminar. was out of town for 3 days. 20 unread messages. 1 member waiting for approval. 1 friend accepted invite. but i feel no relief from all what's left.
before i left manila i told maika to bring everything to batangas, including all pressures and problems. then we'll leave them off shore, make them float to the next curve of the earth. but all the while was i so busy that i realized i havent't even moved things much from my baggage. all i did was walk, think, run, worry.
it was my last entrep TBS. but it was the first time i felt that something was lacking. it was my first time to be part of the organizers, and ate elaine was right. i really had to be ready. and i wasn't. i tired myself out trying to make it as organized as possible, but at the end of the day, i felt like a total loser.
around 8:30 pm the second day my co-officers and i prepared for dinner and the awards night. i was feeling really well after the games. i even managed to do some kayaking with tere around 5:15. but after dinner that night, something just happened, as if some curse was break lose or whatever. after finishing our food and decided to get started on the program, i stood up from my seat. and i can't do it. at first i thought it was just plain "ngalay" as they call it, paired with a sprained left ankle that morning. but after walking 15 meters going to the bonfire area, i felt like i was going to collapse. the next thing i know, i was telling tonet to call it off for me to take part in the hosting job. i stayed in one place with the sophomores. (i was hearing all their comments without them knowing it. hehe.)
that was just the tip of the iceberg. after the program, it's party time. my blockmates stayed in one room to drink a little and just be merry. i went up my room upstairs in the loft. sam and lola followed. i thought i was ok and just needed rest. but after 20 minutes, the pain in my legs just got more and more unbearable. exagerrated as it may seem, it was plain torture. i had to cry it out. upon hearing me groan in pain, sam summoned me to pray. i was crying even harder. i told her i'd follow them downstairs. she left.
she came back after 5 minutes and i told her i think i can make it already. but suddenly tonet and aiza went in from the other party room, and they saw my eyes fresh from tears. they were apologizing for not being able to accompany me, but i said "no, i'm perfectly fine. i'm just going to sleep at sam's." but when i went outside, i realized that my legs are really failing me. and i cried more. they ushered me back inside the ground level of our room and did some medication. vicks and holy water. perfect combination. and who did it? four people i didn't even expect would help me. they're not even my blockmates.
it was a terrible feeling that i wasn't able to join my blockmates while they were having fun. but it was just now that i realized that i feel more terrible because only sam was there for me till i lost consciousness. yeah, dramatic. i don't want to admit it but it bothered me really.
to tonet, ika, and aiza and tere. thanks a lot for that night. i know you were all busy drinking before you came in. but if there would be one unforgettable scene that TBS, it would be that Tuesday night before i passed out.
do i feel bad? not certain. everybody does, every now and then. they told me everything was caught on cam. but i don't think i would even give a damn. i'm sorry. it might take some time. perhaps longer than it will take for my legs to totally be in good condition. should i wait? still not certain. maybe i was pushing myself in. maybe i don't really belong after all. #
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