I just updated the “About Me” section on my Friendster page. And by the way it sounded, I figured I’m in the perfect mood to write something I can not consider senseless this time.
I’ve been feeling weird the whole day. Besides the drowsiness form the colds I caught last night that made me sleep longer and more frequent than usual, I’m just not in the going to do anything. I’ve been amazingly learning four songs in a row on guitar since last night. After months in idle state, my left hand just didn’t need any warm up to pick up on the Eraserheads-Jeff Buckley-and-Blur marathon. And now I can’t move my fingers after madly pressing on the fret bars the whole day. But of course that’s another of my freaking exaggerations.
Anyways, going back, I unusually did not give meaning to that. I just know I want to play, that’s it. No more analysis whatsoever. I’M TIRED of thinking. That’s the keyword for you on this one. Just minutes ago I sent Maika an acute SMS. Last night we were on YM and the Happy her asked the Floating me how I was doing (as if we haven’t met that morning). Told her I was tired and scared of I-don’t-know-what. Of life? Not sure. I was just bothered last night that in day’s time I’d be turning 20; and 20 means a faster pace for people. Within minutes a decade has passed once more. Another hour, we’d be at retiring age. And add to that the crime of Tere’s inquisition on what I want to do after graduation. Well I told her I wanna be employed first, probably in a multinational firm or a big publication company, a thing I actually would want to put up. Told her I also want to build a school, study agriculture, and build farms. Not to mention owning a Volks, an American-designed house in the city, having a husband and a couple of kids perhaps. But thinking about that just gave me more pressure and stress, because I wanted all that before I turn 30. That’s why I relived my dream of wanting to die young, really young. At age 28? Nah, too old. Maybe 24. But that’s another story altogether. Anyways, I told Maika in my SMS that I realized I wasn’t tired of life all these time. I’m just tired of S.J.E. and she told me we’d talk.
Then it came rushing to my mind the feeling I had while sitting down on the sands of the Batangas shore one night during our TBS. It was the first of 2 nights, and everybody was busy preparing for the first bonfire session that ever pushed through in our 3 years of holding out-of-town team building seminars in the Entrep circle (God be thanked for the really good weather). But I, I was slumped on one part of the shore where the rays of the blinding spotlight facing the waters couldn’t extend its arms to illuminate the minute rocks under my feet. And as I felt the gust of the cold wind running through my hair and bringing chills to me, I unknowingly set my eyes upon the midnight-colored waters. Amidst the big and wounding rocks some five meters away from shore, only the small lights of houses from afar can be seen, together with the blinking light from the sole lighthouse pointing directly from where I was sitting. And suddenly, all I can hear was the surge of the saltwater… against the rocks, against each other, slowly yet madly throwing its effervescent waves onto shore, bringing the small rocks and sand particles to full UNREST. Unrest was how I exactly felt at that point in time. Things that semester came flashing back at me, with no certain reason at all. And as if it weren’t enough, I found myself in another seasonal depression attack. And I thought, all the while I’ve been heavily busy.
I must guiltily admit I was caught in total shock after I realized how life would be for me being an officer in the Society of Junior Entrepreneurs, months after the traumatic elections. I’m not used to being in the limelight. All my life I’ve been a happy-go-lucky underdog who just gets by because of some ‘extra effort.’ But never did I think that I’d be standing up there, telling people to do this and that. I never thought that I would have to solve their problems and speak for them. God knows that I am not a leader, and I know for a fact how lame I am in doing so.
But things change. I know I something out of all these wary and exhausting experiences. I did so many first-times. I saw how the outside world actually looks like. Some are frustrating, but I just rid on. Because I loved the feeling. And I know I already made that one choice.
But one thing that slipped my mind was the fact that making choices doesn’t come absolutely free. You have to pay a certain amount of currency, a currency whose value no bank can ever estimate.
As I sat there with myself and the starless sky, it sank into me that I was indeed alone. And I figured everything didn’t actually make me ‘happy’ after all. I was grateful that I got all those despite the fact that I never asked for it; but something in me says that the Guy who gave all those to me is the same Guy who was talking to me through the wind at that time.
The first half of my task is done. I got to know the newbies the org, built stronger ties with the juniors, made necessary (and unnecessary) class cuts for seminars, spent sleepless nights over the Student Merit System, and ran surprise errands for Ms. Mona. And now I’m not sure if I can make it to the finish line. It’s a reset for all of us now, and the only consolation I can think of is that by December, we would have to look for new candidates for the next batch of officers. But still we do the job. And the only thing that keeps me holding on is the memory of Ate Elaine (former SJE president) telling me to NEVER EVER GET TIRED.
Yet that’s still too far. Because right now, the only vivid feeling I have is that I MISS MY BLOCKMATES so much. When I chose to step up and do the job for 200 people, I didn’t exactly expect to lose 24. Now they seem so far away. The whole TBS experience was a f*cking proof. Tere’s right. There comes a point when you will want quality time with the people near you. I’m not getting any younger. And I know I’ve only got barely four months to make up to the 24 people I’m not even sure if I can still see after college. SJE or BSE-1? Man is it so hard. It’s like making me choose between my country and my family. Certainly I have to compromise. But do I really have to choose? Part in me constantly reminds the words “letting go.” Part in me says “move on.” But this is me. And all I know is that in these cases, the only way I deal with it is to “get by.” Meanwhile, all I can do is, with the birds, share this lonely view. #
I’ve been feeling weird the whole day. Besides the drowsiness form the colds I caught last night that made me sleep longer and more frequent than usual, I’m just not in the going to do anything. I’ve been amazingly learning four songs in a row on guitar since last night. After months in idle state, my left hand just didn’t need any warm up to pick up on the Eraserheads-Jeff Buckley-and-Blur marathon. And now I can’t move my fingers after madly pressing on the fret bars the whole day. But of course that’s another of my freaking exaggerations.
Anyways, going back, I unusually did not give meaning to that. I just know I want to play, that’s it. No more analysis whatsoever. I’M TIRED of thinking. That’s the keyword for you on this one. Just minutes ago I sent Maika an acute SMS. Last night we were on YM and the Happy her asked the Floating me how I was doing (as if we haven’t met that morning). Told her I was tired and scared of I-don’t-know-what. Of life? Not sure. I was just bothered last night that in day’s time I’d be turning 20; and 20 means a faster pace for people. Within minutes a decade has passed once more. Another hour, we’d be at retiring age. And add to that the crime of Tere’s inquisition on what I want to do after graduation. Well I told her I wanna be employed first, probably in a multinational firm or a big publication company, a thing I actually would want to put up. Told her I also want to build a school, study agriculture, and build farms. Not to mention owning a Volks, an American-designed house in the city, having a husband and a couple of kids perhaps. But thinking about that just gave me more pressure and stress, because I wanted all that before I turn 30. That’s why I relived my dream of wanting to die young, really young. At age 28? Nah, too old. Maybe 24. But that’s another story altogether. Anyways, I told Maika in my SMS that I realized I wasn’t tired of life all these time. I’m just tired of S.J.E. and she told me we’d talk.
Then it came rushing to my mind the feeling I had while sitting down on the sands of the Batangas shore one night during our TBS. It was the first of 2 nights, and everybody was busy preparing for the first bonfire session that ever pushed through in our 3 years of holding out-of-town team building seminars in the Entrep circle (God be thanked for the really good weather). But I, I was slumped on one part of the shore where the rays of the blinding spotlight facing the waters couldn’t extend its arms to illuminate the minute rocks under my feet. And as I felt the gust of the cold wind running through my hair and bringing chills to me, I unknowingly set my eyes upon the midnight-colored waters. Amidst the big and wounding rocks some five meters away from shore, only the small lights of houses from afar can be seen, together with the blinking light from the sole lighthouse pointing directly from where I was sitting. And suddenly, all I can hear was the surge of the saltwater… against the rocks, against each other, slowly yet madly throwing its effervescent waves onto shore, bringing the small rocks and sand particles to full UNREST. Unrest was how I exactly felt at that point in time. Things that semester came flashing back at me, with no certain reason at all. And as if it weren’t enough, I found myself in another seasonal depression attack. And I thought, all the while I’ve been heavily busy.
I must guiltily admit I was caught in total shock after I realized how life would be for me being an officer in the Society of Junior Entrepreneurs, months after the traumatic elections. I’m not used to being in the limelight. All my life I’ve been a happy-go-lucky underdog who just gets by because of some ‘extra effort.’ But never did I think that I’d be standing up there, telling people to do this and that. I never thought that I would have to solve their problems and speak for them. God knows that I am not a leader, and I know for a fact how lame I am in doing so.
But things change. I know I something out of all these wary and exhausting experiences. I did so many first-times. I saw how the outside world actually looks like. Some are frustrating, but I just rid on. Because I loved the feeling. And I know I already made that one choice.
But one thing that slipped my mind was the fact that making choices doesn’t come absolutely free. You have to pay a certain amount of currency, a currency whose value no bank can ever estimate.
As I sat there with myself and the starless sky, it sank into me that I was indeed alone. And I figured everything didn’t actually make me ‘happy’ after all. I was grateful that I got all those despite the fact that I never asked for it; but something in me says that the Guy who gave all those to me is the same Guy who was talking to me through the wind at that time.
The first half of my task is done. I got to know the newbies the org, built stronger ties with the juniors, made necessary (and unnecessary) class cuts for seminars, spent sleepless nights over the Student Merit System, and ran surprise errands for Ms. Mona. And now I’m not sure if I can make it to the finish line. It’s a reset for all of us now, and the only consolation I can think of is that by December, we would have to look for new candidates for the next batch of officers. But still we do the job. And the only thing that keeps me holding on is the memory of Ate Elaine (former SJE president) telling me to NEVER EVER GET TIRED.
Yet that’s still too far. Because right now, the only vivid feeling I have is that I MISS MY BLOCKMATES so much. When I chose to step up and do the job for 200 people, I didn’t exactly expect to lose 24. Now they seem so far away. The whole TBS experience was a f*cking proof. Tere’s right. There comes a point when you will want quality time with the people near you. I’m not getting any younger. And I know I’ve only got barely four months to make up to the 24 people I’m not even sure if I can still see after college. SJE or BSE-1? Man is it so hard. It’s like making me choose between my country and my family. Certainly I have to compromise. But do I really have to choose? Part in me constantly reminds the words “letting go.” Part in me says “move on.” But this is me. And all I know is that in these cases, the only way I deal with it is to “get by.” Meanwhile, all I can do is, with the birds, share this lonely view. #
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